Archive for August, 2010

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One should dress up well for her or his first date. A good dress makes a positive impression on one’s partner. One need not dress up formally for the occasion, rather one should wear clothes which are comfortable to wear. A girl or a boy will not mind which brand of the cloth one wears as long as he or she is dressed up smartly. Boys should take care to shave properly and wear polished shoes on their first date. A boy should also spray a good quality cologne on his clothes so that he may smell sweet to his girl. One should take care not to spray too much cologne on his clothes otherwise it may actually smell bad to the girl.

As they say that first impression is the last impression, so one should take care to make positive impressions on the mind of one’s partner on the first meeting. The purpose of first date is to know each other well and decide if a long relationship is possible with the other person or not. It may eventually turn out that the individual about whom one had fancied a lot might have a totally different disposition. It would be difficult for one to spend even an hour with such a person. One should also try to get some good first date tips from one’s friends who already had gone for a date with someone.

No first date tip is carved in stones. One should be flexible to change them to suit one’s personality and situations. There are several myths in the minds of people regarding first date. One such myth is that nice looking individuals are good daters. On the contrary, many nice looking individuals may perform badly on their first date if they do not take care to make it a success. Another myth is that ugly looking people do not get dates easily. It is also not true. One need not look like a Tom Cruise or Beyonce Knowles to get a date. What matters more is one’s overall personality and not merely good looks. Many not so good looking boys score well with exceptionally gorgeous girls on their first date.

Women should take special care to reach the dating venue on time. While men and women seem to be equally split on the issue of promptness, women are generally perceived to be late comers as they often spend much time on primping. A girl should reach before time or on time in situations where there is a time constraint like a movie time or dinner reservation. A woman should not spend too much time to appear perfectly well groomed. Too much emphasis on the make up can actually impede the enjoyment of first meeting.

Internet has redefined the way people relate with each other. Many people would prefer online dating to a traditional one. Such a dating has it sown advantages and disadvantages. It is fast, simple to use, cheap and enjoyable. It is flexible also as it saves one lot of time. One can decide during chatting itself if one would like to meet other individual personally or not. Moreover, It helps one overcome the fear of rejection on first meeting as one can always refuse the other person’s proposal during chatting itself. One need not meet a person physically only to get rejected some time later.

One should be careful in developing an online relationship. Many people use online dating for vile purposes. There are few things that one should keep in mind while entertaining someone on the internet. One should respect the privacy of the other person and should uphold her or his trust. One should not share other individual’s personal information like telephone number, email address and digital photos with one’s friends or strangers. One should take time to understand the other individual and not force anything on him otherwise he or she will appear to be too pushy. That may spoil the relationship altogether.

First date tips are not simple do’s and dont’s. Rather they are useful commandments of relationships that one should take care to respect and follow, in letter and spirit.

This article discusses the nature of ambivalence in relationships, and the resulting dynamics. This perspective has developed over the past 20 years of working with individuals and couples, and noticing how these dynamics emerge.

Ambivalence occurs in intimate relationships when there is the coexistence of opposing emotions and desires towards the other that create an uncertainty about being in the relationship. It is our nature to split our experience into polarities, such as good/bad, right/wrong and emotions such as love/hate, joy/sadness. One could say that we constantly deal with the opposite of our experience even if that is unconscious. As we become closer to our beloved and feel connected our experience is defined by the possibility of separation. Every time we say ‘yes’ there is a ‘no’ in the background informing our choice. If I am saying ‘yes’ to something wholeheartedly, I can feel that yes in every cell of my being. ‘No ‘ has been considered and rejected, however fleetingly, and my ‘yes’ has the quality of certainty. If my desire to say ‘no” interferes with my ‘yes’ it will be said with hesitation and doubt, and a lingering uneasy feeling that causes me to hold back; I am unable to fully commit to that yes. So not only does the opposite polarity define my experience but the degree to which I have integrated it into my consciousness will also affect my experience. Ambivalence could be said to occur when we are stuck between two polarities, and unable to reconcile them…

All relationships contain opposing desires at times; this is the essence of conflict. The degree to which both ends of any polarity are conscious or hidden will affect how partners deal with conflict between them. In addition, how much each individual identifies with one end of the polarity will also determine the ability to resolve conflict. For example; if I identify with being kind and cannot tolerate the notion that I can be unkind, the unkind aspects to my psyche will become unconscious and drain energy away from my ability to be kind.  I will not be fully present or authentic in my acts of kindness, and in all likelihood project ‘unkindness’ on to my partner. By being rigidly identified with one end of a polarity and blocking awareness of the intolerable aspect means we cannot be fully present. If both individuals in a relationship are identifying their nature in this way, then what they create between them will also be an inability to tolerate certain experiences and make resolving conflict difficult.

So if the nature of ambivalence is the inability to resolve an internal conflict that results in a lack of presence; a common way of expressing this is confusion.  Ambivalence and confusion can be temporary states in all relationships, as we take time to resolve opposing or new information. However, where ambivalence becomes a chronic response to the world, confusion can become a defensive stance that protects us from being fully present.  Expressing confusion habitually regarding what we want or need reinforces our sense of helplessness. ‘I don’t know’ does not give us a sense of mastery over our world, nor does it give our partner anything to go on. The inability of either partner to move forward in the relationship, either to leave or to move closer reinforces this helplessness.  This chronic pattern becomes a problem in relationships by inhibiting deeper intimacy.

A chronic pattern of ambivalence typically generates a dynamic in relationships where one partner is identified as ‘uncommitted’ and the other as wanting commitment.  Each partner will develop behaviors around this conflict in an attempt to pull their partner closer, or push them away. Each partner is expressing a particular role in the conflict over being in the relationship or out of it, but essentially both partners are creating the ambivalent tension between them by being identified with one end of the polarity.

In other words, if we were to reduce this to a simple yes and no – the two ends of a polarity would be, ‘yes I want more with you’ and ‘no I do not want more with you’. Partners are identified with either yes or no, and between them creating a stalemate.  We can assume from this that both partners have not resolved their own internal ambivalence as neither of them can commit themselves to either being in or out of the relationship, and neither of them in this dynamic are fully engaged with the other. Often as one moves away the other will express more desire for the relationship, and the ‘certainty’ expressed by the committed partner is a desire to hold on in reaction to the greater pulling away of the other. 

Because ambivalence pulls the individual and the relationship in different directions there is an atmosphere of uncertainty and unpredictability that creates instability between the partners. There can be an atmosphere of impending doom and dissolution of the relationship. Partners often break up many times, or threaten to break up. As time goes on the relationship takes on the characteristics of an emotional roller coaster where they alternate between feeling hopeful and breaking up.  Within this atmosphere, it can be very difficult for both partners to be themselves, and be open with each other. When faced with the possibility that it will end at any moment, anything that either of them believes could cause the relationship to end will be denied or held back. As each partner withholds aspects of himself or herself from the other, this creates distance, and thereby increases anxiety over the possibility of separation. It becomes a vicious circle.

Typically, the partner who expresses commitment feels hurt and rejected by the other. The feeling that they are not good enough for the other to fully be with them creates a reaction of trying to please them, in the hope that they can make their partner desire them. The partner who carries more uncertainty often feels guilty that they are not able to give more, and finds it increasingly difficult to voice their true feelings. They start to dance around each other trying to anticipate how the other is going to react to them and hold back their thoughts, feelings or desires if they think that the other will react badly to them. In this way the relationship becomes more and more dishonest.

Both partners are in a relationship that isn’t the way they want it to be, but neither is able to leave. This is the essence of ambivalence. The preoccupation with separation, either wanting more separation, or being afraid of separation from the other, is the foundation of the anxiety that the relationship sits on. This preoccupation means that each individual cannot rest in the relationship; it is not a place of sanctuary and support but a place of deprivation.  Even though there may be times where both partners can have fun and feel connected it is short lived, as both partners carry an underlying dissatisfaction that doesn’t get resolved. A lot of time and energy gets taken up dealing with this underlying anxiety and deprivation.  

From this perspective, the alternative to living with a chronic pattern of ambivalence would be to resolve internal conflicts that prevent one from taking action, making decisions, expressing how you feel, and being fully present.  Issues around connection, intimacy and separation are often at the root of an ambivalent stance.  To be fully here is to accept the fragility and imperfections of life, to go for ‘it’ despite the possibility it could be gone in the next moment.

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What are the easy ways to a flourishing relationship that can make up for the couples?

As what I have seen the couples who are presently having their relationship, they simply like to share each other, but they do not know what are the factors that they have to look out for from each other. Perhaps, they are pretty new in having their relationship, and they do not know what can be done in order to have a flourishing and sustainable relationship that they wish they can have.

In this piece of article, I will explain to you what the easy ways to a flourishing relationship are. I understand that perhaps you can be very desperate in making the relationship happen to you, but nevertheless you will never know what can happen if you have not tried out for yourself. As such, you do have to make a first move if you dare to try and if you are eager to make a success. Well, here are some easy ways to have a flourishing relationship under all circumstances. These have to depend on how good you are to manage your relationship.

Firstly, Expectations- Expectations play a big role in a relationship. We expect and when we do not get, we are disappointed. We may get angry and if the anger persists, separation results. The best way is to spell out all the expectations. Point out whenever you feel they are not being met and try to ignore as many situations as you can when your expectations are not being met. The second point that I want to address here is simply this word, Gratitude- Express gratitude whenever your partner does something for you. Husband takes wife for granted and vice versa. People are forgetting the art of saying thank you. Why not make other person feel good? By receiving thanks, the recipient feels worthy. I am a good person. I did something good, so I am getting these Thanks. Why should we miss even the smallest opportunity to express thanks? It costs us nothing. But it is invaluable for one who gets it.

The third point that I want to share with you is the Happiness- If both partners decide, they can be happy under all the circumstances. Happiness is a boon. Things will always be going wrong. Memories will always come. But if we decide to keep ourselves happy, we can surely progress slowly to a state where unhappiness cannot touch us easily. Happiness is only one emotion. We are affected by different emotions – Anger, Love, Hatred, compassion and so on. What applies to happiness also applies to all other emotions. Emotions batter us at all the times. We are like a ship freely getting beaten by the roaring ocean of emotions at all the times. Once we decide, we can be happy.

Further up next, you have to test your relationship- There are few websites that offer tests and quizzes. Attempt all the quizzes on relationships and find out your answers. Ask your mate to do the same and find the answers. Compare your answers and try to find questions that were answered differently by both of you. That will tell you something about the areas your relationship may encounter friction. If you have done that, you will realize that there are so much things that you can do to make your relationship even better. Do not ever feel very stumbled and frightened off, the relationship quizzes are there for you to give your gauges and set the new targets for yourself so that you can better assess your new relationship level to a greater height. If you feel that you agree to what I have said earlier, do feel free to forward to your friends, relatives and peers around, or you can let them to visit this piece of article at my site. Your help and support is greatly appreciated.

I would like to suggest this point to all the couples, never ever stop communicating one another; always keep on talking to your love one, as they are considered the important ones who you would like to treasure upon. Also, the relationship would of course be made up extremely awesome as stay made up is meant for helping you to eliminate the break up in future. I wish all of the couples to have making up process a successful one and the future endeavors ahead.

Indeed, life is short. Don’t let another day go by without taking a chance on happiness. You will never know until you try, so remember to make a move today. It can change or affect the rest of your life, therefore, at the very least, you can try to come out something for your ex love partner during your weekend plans. With a little practice, perseverance and patience, I believe that your relationship could be enhanced with the tips that I have shared earlier. If you have faced any problems with your loved ones, do not hesitate to visit this piece of article again.

I really have a strong belief that if you can understand what I have explained and applied what you have learnt from this piece of article, your problems can be eventually solved and your making up relationship can become more stable and stronger. I wish all the best for your making up relationship with your partner. Do always remember to spread word of mouth to your fellow friends for supporting the decision of having making up than breaking up.

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